It is surreal to hear the “alternative” music I liked in middle school (considered weird, different, edgy by almost all adults and quite a few of the kids) playing on “The Mix” or, even worse, “LiteFM.”
I went to a financial planner today. After ten years of carrying thousands worth of debt on credit cards, I finally paid it off a few months ago.
In the 3 months since paying off the debt I have been blowing through money, enjoying the fact that I no longer have to live super frugally. The jig is officially up!
The financial advice I received is to get at least $5,000-$6,000 in savings before doing anything. The “anything” I want to do includes opening an IRA (Individual Retirement Account) and saving for a house. Oh & there is still that pesky student loan debt to worry about.
For the first time ever I feel I have a somewhat healthy relationship with money. I don’t know if that is because I am becoming more mature, making better choices, etc., or if it’s simply because I have more money to work with.
For years I hated money, just as a general rule. I thought it made poor people suffer and rich people greedy. Finally I am learning to see that it is neutral, just a tool. Loving money allows danger to creep in, but so does hating it, I’d say.
More later.
I promised my mom pedicures for Mother’s Day and just got around to doing it last Saturday. It is Tuesday and my nail polish hasn’t chipped yet. Nice.
I am realizing how I change over the years. I used to love nail polish in middle school/early high school, but only on my toes. Late high school & college I hated it. It’s been hot and cold since then.
I have also changed my mind about colors. (Not nail polish colors, just colors in general.) For many years I hated purple. Over the past year I have slowly warmed up to it, and for the first time in my life I now embrace it.
The lower photo is smaller as a favor to all those people who hate feet out there. I used to be one of you, and let me tell you, life is so much better if you get over it and stop being grossed out all the time.
Also my toes look like that because I was practicing “yoga toes,” which basically means spreading your toes apart so none of them touch.
I have something wrong with me usually called fibromyalgia. Other times it has other names (migraine, irritable bowel, etc.), but to me it’s always the same thing. The demon that haunts me likes to put on different masks as a surprise.
I don’t write or talk about this much, but I have decided to change that after a trip to the ER earlier this week. There have been so many days and nights that I have spent searching the internet, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, trying to get the smallest insight into how to fix it. I can’t let my own issues (worrying people will think I’m self-centered, a hypochondriac, fishing for sympathy, etc.) keep me from sharing information online that could help those literally searching in search engines for an answer.
I want to air out some of the nasty emotions that get tied up in this weird condition. This health problem has dragged me across the board emotionally. I see the emotions as being divided in two: those related to the pain and illness itself, and those that come from me trying to deal with the rest of the world while having pain and illness.
- Panic, fear. There have been moments in which I literally thought I was going to die right then and there. It is a raw feeling I cannot begin to describe. Fibromyalgia symptoms can mimic heart attack or stroke. My head has pounded so hard I can see the blood vessels in my face throbbing and hear blood rush through my ear. At other times I have worried that my odd collection of symptoms means I have an underlying disease or cancer that will eventually bring me to ruin. Also scary.
- Depression, sadness, emptiness. Most times I know I’m not on the verge of death. I accept the fact that I just so happen to be afflicted with a disorder that feels like death, but doesn’t slowly or swiftly destroy my body. The panic subsides. Instead of feeling grateful, a sadness creeps in. What is the purpose of me being alive if I have to struggle hard to tolerate living? Pain that indicates impending death is horrible, of course, but at least it makes sense. Why am I struck with the tragedy of having a healthy (according to most tests and measures) body that I cannot make the most of?
- Guilt. These depressive thoughts often lead to guilt. Who do I think I am? Am I trying to imply my problem is worse than fatal illnesses such as cancer or AIDS? Those sufferers feel the pain I feel and know their lives will likely be shortened. How ungrateful am I that I cannot rejoice in the fact that–so long as I am not blindsided by a bus–I will get to live a long life? Why do I throw myself a pity party when there are people who are worse off? The pain leads to automatic sadness, but I always feel ashamed and guilty about it, as if sadness isn’t something I have earned or deserve.
- (False) hope. I suppose this is the equivalent of “bargaining” in the stages of grief. I talk myself into a new optimism that says I can beat this thing, if only I exercise everyday, eat lots of organic fruits & veggies, sleep 8 hours per night, meditate and do yoga, take the right supplements, and become some all-natural goddess. I go through ups and downs between the hope and the sadness that results when I realize the hope is a farce. I am told I can only realistically hope for good management of the disorder, not a cure. This isn’t some virus that will be cleared up by pills. I will never go back to normal.
- Jealousy. One of the top feelings that crops up when dealing with others is jealousy. There are very basic things most people take for granted that I cannot do, or cannot do regularly without a strong payback. Drink a cup of coffee. Drive a car (easily or well) after dark. Get drunk. Stay out late more than one night in a row. Hang out in loud crowded bars. Go to concerts and shows often. Have a glass of red wine. Wear perfume. Go a week without exercising. Etc., etc.
- Frustration. After jealousy comes frustration. Communicating how this problem works and what I can and cannot do is insanely difficult. I feel upset if someone is disappointed that I won’t go to a concert or out drinking. It is hard to explain that I can only do those things when I can do those things, and it might not be the same day you invite me, but that’s not personal. Do I beg people to invite me out only to turn them down frequently, or do I give up and become a recluse? & even if a friend “gets” that I can’t always drink or be in loud places, what about other stuff? How to explain that today I can’t drive, or can’t hang out because of your perfume, or just want to go home abruptly because my extremities are tingling plus I have a hunch I’ll be in the bathroom all night and I don’t want it to be yours? I don’t want to offend anyone, which is what seems to occur when I don’t explain why I can act so strangely, yet over-explaining the minute idiosyncrasies of my illness feels arrogant, self-centered, boring.
- Hurt. Even though I deal with the pain, sadness, guilt, jealousy, frustration, etc. by staying home and laying low, I still feel hurt from time to time when no one bothers to check up on me or give me a kind word. Even though I try so hard to make sure I do not come across as asking for sympathy or attention, I still cry when I feel I’ve been forgotten and left behind. Maybe I will say “no” most times you invite me to a bar or concert, but that doesn’t mean I never want you to call again. Fibromyalgia is punishment enough. I don’t want to lose friends on top of it.
- Worry. I am not a rich woman and sometimes I worry about getting by. I work from home and still have to take sick days from time-to-time. What if I can’t work full-time forever? I should be saving to prepare for that. Or I should be spending the extra dough on organic foods and yoga classes and natural beauty products and monthly massages, because they will help protect against getting worse. What if I leave my work-from-home job or am fired, only to find I cannot handle being in an office with fluorescent lighting and perfumed coworkers? What if my boyfriend leaves me because I have become a burden and then I’m both jobless and lonely?
My hope is that some day I will write about this and will be able to end with a big fat
PEACE.
Not peace as in “peace out,” but peace as in that is the major state fibromyalgia has brought me. I have always heard that surrender can lead to new levels of peace, tranquility, trust, faith, wisdom, spiritual connection, etc. I have surrendered to this pain and this intruder in my life so many times, but that doesn’t last long and eventually hope that I can beat it or sadness that I can’t pops back in. The closest to true acceptance and peace I’ve come to is getting a good night’s sleep.
Today I was struck with a fantastic idea. I considered holding onto it, but have since decided that I will from now on share the ideas I consider good. Honestly, it isn’t likely that I will bring these ideas into reality, so why not spread the wealth and keep my fingers crossed that someone else does?
Anyway, the idea is for outdoor personal training. It is what it sounds like. Personal training. Where a person meets with you one-on-one (or possibly in a group session) and trains you to do things that put your body into better shape than it is currently in. I know that trainers who do outdoor sessions already exist. I am imagining something a bit different–a personal training company that works outdoors exclusively–rain, sun, snow, etc.
Here is sample copy that an aspiring outdoor personal trainer who stumbles upon this might want to utilize:
Want to get more exercise and connect with nature? Then sign up with an outdoor personal trainer today! Outdoor personal training will help you reach your optimal fitness level while syncing you up with the environment, strengthening a relationship that is often lost in our technology-driven world. Outdoor personal training makes sense on many levels:
- Economic. Right now gyms are swarming with exercisers while sidewalks, parks, and forest preserves lay bare. When you join a gym, you pay to use their space and equipment, and personal training costs more on top of that. Why not use the public space that is available to you instead? You’ve already paid for it through your taxes. Skip the gym and use the saved money for more training sessions!
- Environmental. If you’re like most people who seek personal training then you’re the type of person who cares about stuff. Did you ever stop to think about all of the extra resources being used to keep the gym running? The building must be heated and cooled, and electricity is needed for lights, treadmills, and televisions. Precious resources are being wasted while pollution is added to the air. Outdoor personal training actually helps the environment by cultivating a deeper sense of connection and respect within you.
- Aesthetics & Meaning. Our clients report having much better workout experiences outdoors and are often surprised by the natural beauty that has been hiding all around them. What is more enjoyable–running in place on a treadmill in front of a cinder block wall or running through a forest while admiring trees, flowers, birds, and deer? Swimming in a nauseatingly chlorinated pool or in a local pond or quarry? The outdoor scenery and sensory experience changes weekly in most areas, which adds to the enjoyment level and also provides a deeper sense of connection with nature. Long-term clients say this sense of connection adds meaning to their training sessions.
- Health. You know that it is better to eat fruits and vegetables instead of processed foods, right? Right, which is why you should also recognize that it is better for you to enjoy the real thing instead of manufactured air, light, and space. Being outdoors will get your body in sync with the rhythms of the natural world. Being in sunlight gets your body producing vitamin D, something many people are deficient in these days. Our outdoor training sessions will soon have you feeling your healthiest!
- Less effort, more results. Many people drag themselves to the gym, viewing exercise and training as a means to an end (big muscles, a skinny waist, reduced illness). We help you get your workout (and mind) right, so you quickly view the training as an end in itself, with the health and beauty benefits as an added bonus. Our clients train because they like training. Many of our referrals come from clients’ friends who are jealous and confused–they are torturing themselves in a gym and seeing only a fraction of the results, while their outdoor training friends are looking svelte and claiming it took no work at all!
Still not convinced that you can face the elements after years of indoor exercising? Fear not! Our personal trainers will provide expert advice on what clothing and gear will make spending time outdoors easy. (We also offer discounts on outdoor wear and give useful items out as prizes when clients reach certain goals.)
Our outdoor personal trainers are willing to build unique training schedules based on your physical needs as well as your personal likes and dislikes. If you don’t want to do something, you don’t have to! We have clients who are afraid of water and not willing to swim in the summer, as well as clients who only want to train in the water during warmer months. We work with them both!
I thought I had explained, but since a few people have asked me in “real life” I will make it clear. The Life in Elgin blog is gone. I moved the archives over to this blog, but I do not plan on writing much Elgin-centered content here. If you want to read my posts on Elgin, check out my Examiner page and Elginite.org.
One of the great things about life is the freedom to change. Originally Life in Elgin was a personal blog. I decided to experiment with an Elgin-centered blog for a while, then decided I missed having a personal blog. Also there are enough Elgin-centered outlets around and I am lucky enough to be able to contribute to them.
…Go together like a fish and a bicycle. Or whatever. You get my point, they just don’t go together.
Last night I was very excited about a rather large vintage clothing purchase I made. Since my boyfriend was the only one around, I showed him each item and insisted that he comment. I wanted someone to share in my excitement, but trying to force him to do so basically backfired.
Instead of being pumped, he gave comments in the form of sentence fragments. The most positive comment was a “Hmm.” Here are the other ones I remember:
-the Mom on Leave it to Beaver
-the Mom on Mr. Belvidere
-the poufy pirate shirt they made fun of on Seinfeld
-wannabe Deee-Lite member
-very 1980s
-very 1880s
-seriously, first American settlers
-people are going think you’re wearing a costume
-Jessica, are you playing a joke on me?
-okay that one is fine if you wear it to bed
-is that for public or for role playing?
-I am speechless
-I am astounded
-I hope you regret buying these
Sigh. I hate to be cliche, but guys just don’t get it sometimes. Later when I take wardrobe_remix photos I wonder if ya’ll will be able to match the outfit up with the comment…:)
I recently finished a book whose author drove home the point that all people are part of the same interconnected whole. I’m trying to believe this. It is pretty. It makes sense. I feel living based on such a principle would make me a better, more understanding person.
It’s hard in practice. Especially when you’re riding home on the 9:40 pm Metra on Wednesday night and the lady sitting behind you begins gabbing on her mobile phone, discussing why “the Jews” are bringing the AntiChrist to the US and will deserve the second Holocaust. For an hour.
For the first few minutes I tried to convince myself that she is schizophrenic and no one was on the phone with her at all and I should feel sorry for her instead of being disgusted. Then she adjusted her seat or cranked the volume or made some change, and I had aural evidence that this was a legitimate, 2-way conversation. I could hear everything.
Just two ladies, on a weeknight, casually discussing how the Jews are going to bring destruction to our world because of their refusal to believe in the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Discussing it the way I would discuss my day at work, what I ate for dinner, or something cute my dogs did. Gina & Laura, dishin’. Sharing their ideas and being chatty.
Gina was the one on the train, and she plans to move to England where there are fewer Jews. Laura also dislikes Jews, but doesn’t think moving will make a difference. Laura thinks moving to Europe is a bad idea, because that’s closer to both Jews and Muslims. Gina says Muslims aren’t so bad, because they at least recognize Christ as a prophet. That might not be all out worshiping, but it’s better than saying he was no more than a regular man.
Gina has worked for Jews, and most of them aren’t even real religious Jews at all, but instead are New Agers. New Agers are almost as bad as religious Jews, and together the groups will bring the AntiChrist to the world–probably soon. New Agers aren’t trying to take over the United States though, while Jews are. Oh, & Jews think Israel was given to them by God? Yeah right, it was given to them by the US & England after World War II. Laura agrees, but points out that while most Jews are bad, 144,000 are truly “chosen,” and that should be kept in mind when dealing with them.
Gina agrees, but adds that all Christians are “chosen,” and it’s becoming obvious because of the regular persecution. She also wants to clarify that when she moves to England she will NOT fly American, but Lufthansa. Laura mentions having a new friend who is a commercial pilot and Gina urges her to be careful.
They flit back and forth between these topics and the requisite catching up talk. Asking about family members, job situations, other friends. Gina says she has to go because she’s tired and her stop is coming up. They agree to both do internet research on exactly why Hitler brought on the first Holocaust and reconvene later.
This came from the mouth of a fairly normal-looking woman who was apparently on her way home from work. She didn’t appear to have a mental illness. This was one of many phone calls she made, the others were all of the run-of-the-mill-how-is-your-sister-Did-you-know-I’m-moving-to-England? variety without any religious references, so it’s not like she blabbers on about that to just anybody. She has a specific friend she enjoys discussing this with, the same way I have friends I prefer to discuss politics with and other friends who stick to music and movies.
There are so many different beliefs and lifestyles out there. Viewing all people as part of the same big thing I am a part of is one of the biggest struggles I have faced.
